Today's the first day of my last undergraduate semester, and to celebrate I figured I should give you all a little more personal insight as to why I chose this path.
As you may or may not know, I spent the first three years of my undergraduate degree working on a Bachelor's of Science degree in Physics (with a Minor in Creative Writing). At about the time I started this blog, I was just about to make the shift to invert those two goals. I was stressed out, miserable. While I do still love physics, and am fully capable of doing the math required for it, I wasn't enjoying what I was studying. I wanted astrophysics, cosmology, astronomy, planetary motion, quasars, star life-cycles, black holes, gravity waves, special and general relativity... not Gauss' Law for coaxial cables with currents running through them, or classical Newtonian mechanics. While, yes, those classes were stepping stones to what I consider the more interesting aspects of physics, I was just done. Honestly, if I kept with the program, I would just be doing more of what I hated, and I didn't want to hate my job.
I thought about what I did enjoy: my creative writing classes. I loved workshop. Critique. Editing. Literary criticism. The best semester I ever had? Mostly English classes.
So I changed my plan. Minor in Physics. Pursuing a bachelor of arts in English - Creative Writing. Through some amazing stroke of luck, changing my major three-fourths of the way through my Junior year didn't affect my graduation date at all. I got into the Departmental Honors program for English, and I've been taking a full load of English classes to finish my degree in time for this May.
Last semester, however, was the worst semester I had experienced. It should have been the best. While I loved my subject matter, I didn't have the time to really devote to my classes. I felt shortchanged. I had to pull at least one all-nighter a week to get everything done in time. I had to stop going to aikido because I just couldn't manage it on top of my regular classes and my baby-graduate-courses. And then I had the week from hell: Boyfriend almost died, a great-uncle suffered a heart attack and had to have triple bypass surgery, and one of my friends was killed by a drunk driver while riding her bike home. Like I said, worst week ever. Instead of being less stressed out, I was even worse. Wasn't this contrary to what I wanted?
Over winter break I had a few moments of reflection, the most poignant of which occurred during a visit to KSC's Visitor Complex with some friends of the family. Surrounded by all of this science and technology, with all of these things that delight and inspire me, I felt a small piece of quiet unrest between my ribs.
Why write? Why is it that I have to write? I could be a physicist, and engineer, a rocket scientist. And I'd be damn good at it, too. But I am drawn to writing. I need to write. Why? Based on science, my experience with it, my love for it, where to I fall? What should I do? Why writing?
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be an astronaut more than anything in the world. That's why I picked Physics as my major. (Although more realistically I should have picked Geology so I could have a legitimate excuse to set foot on alien soil.) All I wanted was to see all of the stars in all of their glory--without the atmosphere to blur their shape and glow. The brilliant spectacle of lights no astronaut ever seems really capable of describing in adequate terms. NASA doesn't send poets into space, or artists of any kind, really. Only people that are useful. Scientists. Educators. Engineers. Test pilots.
Did I make a mistake?
No.
Something is driving me to write. I have no choice. I must to do it.
It's who I am.
That's so cool. I wish I felt that strongly about my English degree. Hahaha!
ReplyDeleteWe almost went through a similar experience! I was majoring in music education though, miserable as hell, wondering if I should have changed my mind again three years ago and gone for creative writing. Now that I have switched, I have a year left (as opposed to God knows how long with the music thing) and I couldn't be happier. Like you, I can relate to the pull to write. I've always had it, to the point where I used to blow off my music assignments to do it. That could also be why my social life is pretty empty now, but who knows. *shrug* I'm confident in my decision, I'm glad you are too. :) The world needs passionate writers like us.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chess and Roxie. :) And I completely agree, Roxie! As long as you're happy and you love what you're doing, that's all that matters. :)
ReplyDeleteits a beautiful thing :) Each time i started a new major, it was only a matter of time before i'd end up with a sketchbook back in my lap. Your story is inspiring, and its reinforcing my decision to stop fighting that part of me that thrives in creation. No matter how much less "useful" or "practical" it seems than a medical or science degree... there can be no other choice if i really want to be as happy as i can be in this ONE life i have. Thanks so much for sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteWhenever people want to know why I'm doing what I'm doing when I have a degree in physics, I come up with all kinds of excuses. The one I rarely offer, because it becomes a lot more complicated to explain is close to yours. All the paths that were open to me were in research I didn't care for. Had I been accepted into a PhD program in cosmology or astrophysics, my future would have looked entirely different. Low-dimensional quantum systems, and seeing what a few atoms in weird conditions do just didn't do it for me. I wanted the universe.
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